Dating

What’s your name? Can I get to know you? I think you’re cute. Can I have your number? Those classic lines all start the potential to “dating”. We all take chances when we meet someone that catches our eye or attention. However, dating is not what it used to be. There is no talking for hours on end and sharing a milkshake at the nearby burger joint. Nope!

Welcome to dating 2010. Where you are expected to drop the panties on the first night and be ready to get married by the 2^nd date. Men and women expect different things out of a relationship. The differences cause a mix-match of intentions and lack of meaningful relationships. Broken hearts are the in thing and booty calls are the in thing.

It’s not just men anymore who would rather get a good bedroom romp in and move onto the next one. This is come about from many hurt hearts who are trying to avoid a relationship like it’s the plague. You can’t get hurt if you don’t put your heart out there, right? Well, many women in today’s society feel used and abused. Many men have danced around commitment long enough to create a generation of women who refuse to be held down by a relationship. Women have made the decision to have their cake and eat it to now. Why settle for a false relationship when you get the maintenance without the drama?

On the other hand, men are being scared away from settling down. Women are rushing the thought of marriage and commitment as soon as the first date. As soon as they meet the guy, they are sizing them up to see if they are marriage and father material. They are already envisioning the house with the picket fence and the 2.5 kids. I can’t blame a man for running when their life is already being planned for them after just one date.

Expectations from the opposite sex are hindrances to finding the compatible mate. People already have in their mind the type of person they are looking for. Whether it be physical, financial or personality traits, their soul mate must have those qualities. Unfortunately, many people are often disappointed as they cannot find the perfect someone to meet their expectations. Not having an open mind when dating narrows the candidates and one could feel helpless in a sea of un-potential men and women. For instance, Chili from TLC, has a shopping list of qualities that a man must have in order to even be considered. This explains why she is still single. It’s ok to have some preferences, but they should not make or break the possibilities. No one is perfect and finding that person to fit EVERY preference could leave you lonely for a long time.

You can tell that many people are desperate to find love from all the crazy reality shows that have swarmed tv networks. It started with The Bachelor and shows like Flava of Love, Tila Tequila, Tough Love, Rock of Love, etc…People cannot just find that special someone by running into them anymore. They are now lining up candidates and having them battle it out for a chance at love. Now tv addicts…have we learned something here? All reality love shows end up not working or several sequels. Uh…I don’t think dating shows are working either?

So what’s the problem? Are there so many incompatible people out there? Are relationship priorities that screwed up? I say that our expectations are too high. Dating is not dating anymore; especially with the increased use of technology. I previously wrote a blog about the use of texting and social networks taking the place of human interaction. People are so depending on hiding behind the computer screen and the cell phone keypad that they lose their social interaction skills. People would rather text back and forth at the dinner table then actually hold a conversation and deal with real emotions.

What happened to going to dinner or catching a movie? There is nothing wrong with a picnic in the park or even a stroll on the beach. Now people settle for some drinks and 4 hours at the nearest motel for a rendezvous. I have heard many people give up on dating just because the lack of effort is not there or people are just disappointments. Can we ever regain the art of courting again? Not too many people believe in old-fashioned dating. Guess all the single people have to settle for the occasional booty call and nothing more….

Pre-nup: lack of trust or financial security?

Recently, I have seen a lot of discussion on pre-nups. Some people are totally against it and others are all for it. I don’t think there are many out there that may be on the fence about this topic. All in all, let’s face it. Nobody likes to part ways with their hard earned money. I remember having a discussion with one of my close male friends in regards to pre-nups. Oddly enough, we both agreed that pre-nups are the way to go in today’s society.

Love is an interesting thing. Many people will fall in love and expect that happily ever after. Unfortunately, in today’s generation we are over whelmed with the growing number of divorce cases arising each year. In 2009 alone, 40-50% of marriages ended in divorce. That is a sad statistic when only half of us are staying married and the rest are fleeing from relationships.

A lot of people hate to make the comparison of a relationship to business, but let’s be honest here people! A marriage is an agreement to work together through thick and thin. Through the good times and the bad. Through sickness and health. This applies to a business partnership as well. Both parties agree to hold their equal weight in order to make the business work. So the same morality goes for a marriage. In a business they ensure they cover their finances from the gate. Why would it be any different for a marriage? If the marriage doesn’t work, both parties should walk away with what they brought in. It’s sickening to hear that one party ends up with a crazy amount of alimony and for what???? Just the fact that you walked down the aisle with the person!?

Now this is just my opinion and many may disagree. In today’s various situations, I believe that having a pre-nup before you get married is actually a smart move. There are too many people just marrying for a financial upgrade or to reap the benefits from someone’s fame. Love may or may not be a key factor in a marriage, but everyone has to keep their assets safe. We are in a struggling economy and the last thing one needs is some perpetrator trying to steal what you worked so hard to get and maintain.

On another note, there are many court cases that get nasty. Especially when there are children involved. Many marriages start off with step-children and then they add to the family. A pre-nup can ensure that the children from outside the marriage are not left flapping in the winds when the marriage goes sour. The children shouldn’t suffer because daddy’s new ex-wife decided to clean out the bank account through alimony.

What better way than to safeguard yourself then to put it in writing and sign on the dotted line? It shouldn’t boil down to trust and loving the other person. Nowadays you have to play it smart and realistic. People change and people are not always genuine. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where the other half gets the house, cars, and off-shore bank accounts. Then you are stuck making minimum wage and kicking yourself for not doing a pre-nup in the first place. Like Tina said, “What’s love got to do with it?”

Single mother = single daughters?

I read an article today on CNN.com titled “Single moms raising girls to remain single?” Now this caught my attention as I am a single mother raising a little girl. I found it quite interesting that the author of the article stated that sometimes parents can pass on their fears to their children. I believe that to be true. Growing up I’ve heard many times from my mother that you can’t trust a lot of men. However, my mother has been happily married for the past 30 years to my father. So where does such talk come from???

My mother told me about her past experiences with men and the horrible situations she went through. This is how I can understand that she is just preparing me to be cautious. Currently being in the dating game, I can agree with her statement. Though this may sound one sided, I am sure that guys heard the opposite from their parents. In general, people cannot be trusted. Our parents try to prepare us to deal with the world as we get older. Though a lot of time we have to learn on our own what dating, relationships, and love are all about.

The author of the article stated, “I won't say that my childhood experience is the sole reason for all the other unmarried successful women. However, it does provide some potential insight as to what may be holding women back from finding that potential mate.” This could be a good case in point. Many women maybe scarred from seeing their parents relationships fail so they lack the faith in relationships.

It is hard to deny the fears that single mothers experience. However, I believe it shows little girls that they do not need a man to survive. It is nice to be in love and have a man in your corner. However, single mothers can be proud they are setting an example for their daughters. I know that I try to teach my daughter to work hard and follow her passions. She sees me work hard and continue my education. I am fully independent and it brings joy to my heart that she wants to be just like me. She knows that I am single and hopes one day I find someone to share my life. She is also smart enough to know that regardless of me being single or not, that I am going to work hard and be independent. I think this is important for young women to understand. Women have struggled in the shadows of men for years and its about time we stand on our own.

I am not upset that I cannot find a man. I actually love the fact that I am not relying on a man to marry me and take me out of my parent’s house. I have done everything on my own. I have shown myself that I CAN DO IT! I have the confidence to take on anything and not rely on someone else to help me live my life and dictate my happiness. Little girls should be empowered with the same feeling.
I agree that some traits good or bad are passed down to our children. However, if they understand where you are coming from and shape their own destiny, it would not be considered raising girls to remain single. This was an interesting concept…it makes you take a look at what you inform your children with. Hopefully its tips and not laws on how to live…they need to find out what works out best for them.

Link: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/05/06/rr.single.moms.single.daughters/index.html

Rapping: a surviving art form or a financial calling?

Eric Sermon put a hot remix to one of Marvin Gaye’s song to put out “Music Makes Me High”. I must confess that I cannot go a day without listening to music. Though I am an R&B baby, I have to give the credit to the real hip hop artists out there. Hip Hop has come a long way since the early eighties and the days of Rapper’s Delight. Not only has hip hop put rapping on the music industry map, but it has become a full blown art form and culture in present day.

Back in the day, artists would spend the time writing their lyrics or even rapping about reality. That was the most attention catching aspect of rapping. Artists were putting a twist on poetry and spoken word. Next thing you know, they are flowing to beats and instrumentals. Real artists will make sense of their lyrics and tell you a story. That is what I miss from present day hip hop. It has gone from appreciating the art form to just making money and riding the fame for a few years.

A lot of these artists today do not have the capability to even attempt the longevity that LL Cool J has or even the likes of Snoop, Dr. Dre, and Jay-Z. While these rappers are now in their “producing” and “ghostwriting” years, the newbies are busy “walking it out”, doing the “stanky leg”, and “rogering that”! Though many songs today, got some hot beats and popular demand behind them, they lack substance and true creativity. Now this is just my opinion, but I believe many people believe that hip hop is dead. Though I don’t fully believe in that concept, I must agree to a certain extent. The passion behind the music is slowly dying. However, there are real hip hop artists that still bring originality, story-telling, and the art of emceeing. These artists remain under-rated in the industry of soldier boys and wacka flaka flames.

I feel as though there is a lagging respect for the hip hop art form that legendary artists have spent so much time and hard work to build. Yet, here comes these “dumbed-down” artists who out sell them in record sales. Does the new generation need to be schooled on REAL hip hop? Are they missing the point behind it? Why do I have to settle for listening to club bangers that lack the cohesiveness of actual words? The beats are good to nod your head to, but the lyrical substance is just not there.

It makes me question if these so-called artists are actually in the industry to spread their passion for hip hop or if they just want the Beamers, Benz, and Bentleys? A lot of them lack the talent and skill to put together a song that actually means something. The occasional dance song is good, but when the airwaves get flooded with “crap” it is sad that recording labels are not even supporting the art-form. It’s all about selling out arenas for the money and not to please the fans. It’s about the mortgage priced chain around the neck and the video sluts lap dancing after the video shoot is over. I can honestly say, I respect people who are about their business and want to pursue their dreams. However, current rap songs and videos support the negative stereotype that many real artists tried and are continuing to fight over the decades.

Ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up….a little boy would probably say he wants to be the next Lil Wayne and the little girl wants to be the next Nick Minaj. Though it is good that the new generation is supporting the hip hop game and continuing the legacies, they are currently steering it in the wrong direction. The industry is more than just spitting a few bars into a microphone or hyping up the crowd. What about learning the history, business, and true essence of hip hop? The flow of words over a beat machine has changed…the passion is little to none and we have to see Gucci Mane’s “Lemonade” video give me a lesson on flossin’ yellow ice. Current day music does not make me high…it leaves me feeling numb and dumbed out.

Females Don't Get Along

The snarling as you walk by. The whispers and eye rolling…the up and down looks….and finally the sucking of the teeth. Common actions portrayed by many females when they are in the presence of another female. During my years on this earth I have sat back and observed irrational behavioral patterns performed by the female species. Being a female myself, I have to admit that I joined in such behaviors in my younger years. However, I try at ALL costs to avoid judging and treating people irrationally.

Many people ask if there is truth to the hype that females don’t and can’t get along…In my opinion I agree with that statement. I don’t personally have anything wrong with other females, but there are certain characteristics in PEOPLE that I try to avoid. It just so happens that females are the major culprits of possessing these negative traits.

Let’s start off with jealousy. Yes! Many females do not get along due to jealousy. Instead of complimenting each other and praising one another, they try to beat each other down. For instance, a female could walk into a room with nice shoes on. No big deal right? WRONG! Those females across the room are talking about her already… Instead of saying, “Those are some nice shoes” they assume…“Oh, she think she cute!” Pay close attention to the usage of my word “Assume”. A lot of thoughts are assumptions females make based on stereotypes or hearsay. I believe that intimidation that a female could be better than them makes the envy come out. Unfortunately, envy makes females do some nasty things to each other.

Personally I have had to deal with the “light skinned” factor. Let me break it down for you. All my life I have dealt with females saying, “Oh you think you better than us cuz you light skinned.” Ummmm No! No! and NOOO! Mind you these females never knew me.

On another note, anyone who knows me knows that I am usually a quiet person; kinda stay to myself. So I have also had to deal with the “she think she too good to talk to us” assumption.
My beef with females is that they use these assumptions and judgments to overshadow their own insecurities. I am not a sociologist or psychologist but I have observed a lot from dealing with different people.

I know many females who do not get along with females due to pettiness, shadiness, and the lack of ability to keep it real! I must say that one of the qualities that I treasure the most from my male friends is the fact that they don’t make a mountain out of an ant hill. Meaning…they don’t sweat the small stuff. Females on the other hand will blow up situations due to their emotional insecurities or the need to compete with each other. Females are real quick to throw up the “She is shady” card. What defines shady? Dictionary.com defines Shady as the following: of dubious character; rather disreputable. Ok now with that said…what makes a female shady? It could be the fact that many females fight one minute and then expect everything to be ok the next day. Female’s feelings change quicker than you can flip a coin. Don’t let it be that time of the month, because a female will laugh one minute, cry the next, and an hour later be ready to beat a bytch down!

Another observation I have made is that females don’t want to hear that someone was talking about her. First and foremost, everyone talks about other people. Whether it be positive or negative, we are all protected by the first amendment. Freedom of speech! People are going to say whatever they want. What matters the most is HOW the person being talked about is going to handle the situation. Some shrug it off and let things be. Others are ready to swing fists and pull weaves out. We have all seen those clips on youtube with females going at each other. What for? Either it’s over a man, something that someone else said, or talking about each other behind their backs. None the previous items require the need to want to beat someone down. It’s all about how you handle the situations. I have seen females hold a grudge for years! “I remember back in elementary school when she broke my skip-it! Still can’t stand that heffa!” REALLY? After all this time you still upset about something so minor? Get over it and get over yourself!

Some females may be offended by my blog, but I speak the truth from what I observe. I say look at why you feel the way you feel about certain people and don’t judge everybody by what has happened in your past. Not every female is out to get you, take your man, or outshine you. Insecurity and envy can be your very downfall when dealing with people in general.

Socialize

Social interactions have become more virtual than reality. I say this because we have begun to rely on text messaging, blackberry messaging, and instant messengers in order to stay in contact with one another. The days of actually meeting up with someone or having a telephone conversation are far and few. Why bother when I can easily send a text message to my buddy about plans this weekend? I can also just email contract and invoices to my clients. No need to waste time with a useless phone call. Even though most cell phone plans offer a few hundred minutes with their services, but offer the best option of all. UNLIMITED DATA PLANS! This means I can text, picture mail, bbm, and instant message all I want without added charges. What better way than to detach myself from actual conversation? Everything is done virtual now. Even down to video conferencing from our friends Skype and Oovoo. No need to meet someone to have an actual meeting or a first meet. Just hope on webcam with your mic and you are good to go!

I have to say that I am quite frustrated as a single female trying to get back out there. It’s so much easier to hope onto these social sites and meet new people. The pressure of 1^st impressions is less because the physical part is not a concern. You can be in your jammies and hold a decent conversation with someone. You can get to know all about them before you two even exchange the digits. The frustration comes when you do eventually talk on the phone, that person who typed a mile a minute is now silent. So the two of you are now sitting at Applebees or TGIFridays and awkward silence is the key for the night. It’s a competition to see who can say less. The convenience of hiding behind your computer, sidekick, or blackberry is no longer there. Therefore, you or your silent partners are afraid to say anything that might hurt the flow of things. What’s even better is sitting right across from one another and you are still texting from across the table. “You have a pretty smile.” “You are sexy.” “You look good tonight” “You look better in person!” This is disgraceful if you can text a one liner to each other’s phones but can’t even form the words to speak and create an actual conversation. Just sad! As time goes by and the meal comes to an end you are now having second thoughts about this person and how you initially felt about them. However…once you both hit your cars and are on your way, you both return to texting your feelings away. Does no one see something wrong with this? The art of communicating has been disrupted by devices. Real interactions are far and few nowadays. Am I the only one missing the personal touch?

Dating is almost nonexistent as well. No one asks, “Can I take you to dinner?” or “Can I take you out sometime?” It’s gotten to the point where all you hear is, “When we hookin up?” or “When you gonna come see me?” We all know what those phrases mean. It’s just a bootycall. Relationships lack substance or people have “relationships” confused with bootycalls. Sorry but hittin it does not mean we are in a relationship. Sex does not solidify anything and that’s where people will get it twisted. Don’t sit by the phone and go crazy texting the next day because that one night stand was just that. A one night stand. Feelings get hurt because things were misunderstood and intentions were not plainly expressed. Why? Lack of communication. I know for a fact that sometimes people are afraid to put their true intentions out there in fear of rejection. This way they get what they want and just ignore the person afterwards. That is always fun. The mind games that turn into stalkers or even enemies. Next thing you know the woman or man is feeling some type of way and they won’t open up for the next person that comes along.

The capability of courting has been hindered by many things, but lack of communication is one them. It’s easier to back out of date just by sending a nice little text saying, “Sorry, can’t make it.” This way you don’t have to hear the sadden tone or see the disappointment from the other person. Just let it stand as written with no explanation. See how easy that was! “Hiding behind the type.” That’s what I call it. No other way to define it. When it’s easier for you to express yourself through texting, emailing, or instant messaging, you hide behind the words you type.

There is no need to worry about running up the phone bill anymore. There is no more spending countless hours on the phone until the early morning. You have the convenience of talking to various people simultaneously. The better part of it is that you can do it anytime of the day. At work, during class, during a meeting, on the toilet, in the shower, in bed, on the go, etc….This is a good thing. You can stay in touch with people whenever you want. The bad part about it, is that you are available whenever as well. You can no longer say, I didn’t get your message. If someone is trying to get in touch with you rest assured they will text you first. If no response, they checking instant messenger. If that fails, they will email you, and then the last resort will be to call and leave a voicemail. Then there is no way around it. You have to respond in some form. If you don’t then you will either get stalked. The phone will continue to ring and ring and ring. Your instant messenger will get pinged and buzzed off the hook. You have no place to hide there buddy! They will find you! Your solitude is no longer existent because now everyone knows exactly how to get to you. They have too many options, whereas before our virtual convenience, if someone didn’t pick up their phone, we had to wait.

To get to the point, I have realized that I have been hiding behind the type for too long. I want to socialize with people face to face and hold real conversations. I think a lot of relationships and friendships could be saved or even maintained if things were done how they used to. I have cut a lot of people out of my life who just wanted to keep a type relationship with me. Sorry, but if you don’t have the balls to communicate via phone call or actually see me, then it’s not gonna work. My friendships will not rely on a text every few months or an email here and there. I refuse to get updated on your whereabouts via twitter or your facebook status. That is sad, really sad. So to end this blog, I must encourage you to actually “Reach out and touch somebody…”

Consideration

Is it just me or does it seems as if people are less considerate to others? Quite frankly I have developed a low tolerance for people with no home training. There are different levels in which consideration for others is lacking. Let me touch upon a few:

Lateness – it is not considerate to hold up someone else if you decide to be fashionably late to an event. Some people do like to be on time. If you are running a little late, that is ok, just let somebody know! A phone call, a text message, an email, smoke signals or something! There are so many ways to communicate now-a-days that there should be no excuse why you cannot tell someone that you are running late. On another note, if you know you are suppose to be somewhere at a certain time, don’t roll out of bed 10 minutes before you are supposed to be there. That my friend…is inconsiderate!

Attitudes – just because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, does not mean you need to take it out on the world. Don’t be rolling your eyes at me because you didn’t get your way or you had an argument with your man. I had nothing to do with it. Taking your problems out on other people is RUDE! They did nothing to you and do not deserve to get the wrath of the fire breathing dragon within you. I’m not saying go around acting like Mary Poppins, but just be cordial and have enough courtesy to be nice to others who are innocent! Check the attitude at the door and maybe you won’t make so many enemies. Having a mean mug on your face all day is not a friendly or approachable look! People will not want to be bothered with you, even if you are the sweetest person on the inside. If your mean mug is on 24/7, trust and believe that people will keep their distance.

Communication – sometimes it is not easy to let people you care about know how you truly feel. You may want to try and avoid hurting their feelings. By staying quiet you think you are sparing them the hurt. WRONG! You will find yourself in more problems then if you would just have told the truth from the beginning. The way I see it, anything can be said to anybody…it just matters how it is said. Being upfront from the beginning will make a huge difference, especially when it comes to relationships. My boy just got kicked to the curb after a year because the girl he was with just up and decided she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. That doesn’t make any sense. Obviously she was feeling some kind of way for a while. You just don’t wake up one day and say I want to be single after a year. When feelings change, people should communicate. Talk things through and see if changes can be made. I believe many friendships and relationships could be saved if people just learned to communicate! The truth shall set you free!

Hygiene – now this is a touchy subject, but damnit I am going to address it. Muskiness is not kool people! If you just worked out at the gym, don’t expect to still be fresh after you just sweated it out for about 40 minutes. I don’t need you next to me smelling musky. Take a damn shower and get zestfully clean! Don’t try to hide or mask your musk with body sprays or oils. That makes it worse! Additionally, deodorant is your friend! Invest in a speed stick and make all of us happy when you raise your arms. Bathroom courtesy is on the top of the list. I hate it when I walk into the ladies room and there is pee on the seat…turds in the bowl…tampon wrappers on the floor, toilet paper trails heading towards the door, etc…etc..etc… People are grown and don’t know how to clean up after themselves. If they make a mess in a public bathroom, I would hate to see how they keep the bathroom in their own house. Just nastiness! This lacks courtesy as other people have to use that bathroom. It irks me even more when I have a child and she says she has to go to the bathroom when we are out. I hate to say it, but I have to ask her to try and hold it until we get home as I am afraid she might catch something from those public bathrooms. I reiterate…No consideration whatsoever!

Mistakes – people are liable to make mistakes. Don’t go chopping off heads when someone makes a mistake. It’s called human error. Nobody is perfect. Be considerate enough to realize that people have a lot going on in their life. No need to dramatize and make it seem like the world is about to end. Everyone has a bad day and things might now go as planned. Be considerate enough to allow people to have those moments where things may just not be going right for them. Mistakes are sometimes hurtful in time or in money, but when there is a mistake, there is always a resolution. It may set back plans a little or cause more effort to be made, but the damage is down and it should not be dwelled upon. Forgiveness is important and taking mistakes as a learning lesion is important to ensuring the mistake can be prevented again. Be considerate to what others go through in their own lives!

Consideration is needed in order to respect one another. When consideration is gone out the window, it can come off as discourteous, disrespectful and rude! Check yourself so that you don’t fit into any of my categories above, but also so people do not see you as being totally inconsiderate!